I woke up Sunday morning with a feeling of what I can only call resignation. It's not that I wasn't excited about the opportunity. I know enough to realize that whatever happened, it would be a great story. Basically, I did it for you people.
I had spent the night before memorizing my poems and practicing them with my roommate. I was fairly confident in my ability to perform them, then again, I was going to be on TV, so I probably should have been more than "fairly confident."
Nevertheless, we got in a cab and reached the studio around 9:30. They took me into makeup, and applied quite a bit of foundation. I wasn't going to complain, because otherwise I probably would have shone like a light bulb under those stage lights. With that slightly emasculating experience out of the way, I took a seat in the audience to enjoy what appeared to be a variety show.
One after another, Chinese contestants would walk up and perform their English language talent. Some sang songs, others did tongue twisters, and one even did impersonations of foreign accents. The best, however, was the girl that got on stage and proceeded to give an account of how to change a tire. I believe her point was that sometimes translators don't need to use their facial expressions and intonation, they just need to be very scientific. In the end though, it was just her on stage saying, "First, you stop the car on a level spot. Then you remove the spare tire from the trunk," and so on, and so on.
I found it all marvelously entertaining...until it was my turn. Somehow I had convinced myself that what I was seeing wasn't the talent section, it was just some other portion in which I wasn't participating. I mounted the stage knowing that I was the only white foreigner in this competition. I really had to represent. So I raised the mic to my mouth...and promptly forgot the words to the poems.
That was embarrassing. The crew on the set were really nice about it, however, and let me try again...and again...and again. I blame nervousness, but I also blame the middle-aged women in the front row who kept laughing at me. I had to scream at here to get her to stop. Finally, on the fourth try, I got them right, and then got the hell off that stage.
We took about an hour for lunch, and then the real show started. I have never been on a TV set before, so I wasn't aware of the fact that they do about a million different takes. The opening theme for this show was the theme song from Pirates of the Caribbean. Somehow I don't think they got the OK from Disney before they decided to use it. Welcome to Chinese television.
I spent the next hour and a half watching as my fellow challengers mounted the stage, and were soundly defeated by the contestants. I think what I had failed to take into account was the fact that I would be competing against PROFESSIONAL TRANSLATORS. These people did this for a living, and they were very good. I, on the other hand, have only been studying Chinese for two years, and have the vocabulary of a reasonably intelligent 3 year old.
Sadly, my turn came around about three years earlier than I would have hoped. I mounted the stage, passing the latest challenger to try and fail. Her face can only be described as devastated. I was not very optimistic at this point.
I mounted the stage, and was promptly shot in the face with a smoke gun. Ah, yes, I forgot to mention the smoke guns. As the challenger walks to center stage, two very dramatic, and rather violent puffs of smoke are issued from about two feet from your face. This is really scary, especially when you consider that they didn't tell the first challenger that it was going to happen. She was in mid-bow when they went off, so when she jumped she was bend it half and looked like a cat that got electrocuted.
Fireworks done with, I walked to the podium and introduced myself.
"Hello, my name is Ethan Robertson. I am from Burlington, North Carolina, and I go to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Go Heels! I enjoy long walks on the beach and Tom Hanks movies."
That last part I threw just because, well, otherwise it would been really boring. The hosts commented in amazement that a white 老外, foreigner, was going to compete. I wanted to turn to them and say, "Compete might be strong word for what is about to happen."
At least this point I should explain that my original plan was to select the two prettiest girls (I had already picked them out), and explain that I chose because I hoped to get there phone numbers. Sadly, the challenger before me had already selected both of them. Therefore I chose a guy, and another very pretty girl. The host, a very pretty, but none too nice, woman, asked me whether I still wanted their numbers. I told her I would take the girls and the guy could give his to her. She didn't like that, so I loved it even more.
The funny stuff, however, was about to end. They queued up the first video, a clip from a Chinese news network. I swear to you that the guy at that desk could have been talking about an increase in diabetes among horses for all I know. So when it came to hit the buzzer and answer, I made a very vague move in that direction, but probably didn't get closer than a foot to it. The guy answered, perfectly, and they queued up the second video.
This time it was a clip from a TED Talk. I understood this one! But I had no idea how to say it in Chinese...
This would have been fine, but when it came time to hit the buzzer, I made another vague move towards it...but the girl made no move to hit it. This was the worst case scenario. The guy had one the last round, so he couldn't touch the buzzer. What followed was the slowest 15 seconds of my life, as I stared awkwardly into the distance, hoping upon hope that this girl will hit the button.
Finally, she did. I probably could melted into a puddle, I was that relieved. Then they played the third clip, and I was stressed again. We were back to Chinese news, and, once again, I had nothing. Thankfully, the guy hit the button, and did another perfect translation.
This brought around the fourth video, and we were back to English. This time it was a women discussing property rights on YouTube. You're probably getting tired of reading this, but I didn't understand this one either. Once again, they guy could not participate. I made my fake move to the buzzer, and waited for the girl to hit hers first...
She didn't. She just stood there, very awkwardly. I'm sure it was very easy to see the desperation in my face. Just when I had decided that I DEFINITELY wouldn't hit the button, the judges started to chime in.
"Maybe our challenger would like to have a try?"
"我听不懂, I don't understand," I replied. but Bill was not deterred.
"You can only truly fail if you never try!" he said cheerily.
That is so wrong, Bill, and I am going to prove it right now. So I hit the button.
Then I realized that I actually had to answer the question.
Horror is a word that people tend to throw around a great deal. "Oh, that food was horrible," or "I was horrified when I found out." In this case, however, it is not an exaggeration. In fact, it is the only word that I can think to use. I honestly wish I had a picture of my face during the five seconds between hitting the button and giving my answer. On second thought, I would probably have PTSD style flashbacks, so it's better that I don't.
If at this point you are hoping that I mustered my two years worth of Chinese language study, countless hours of homework, and endless conversations with Chinese people to give a good answer, you would be wrong. My answer was very short.
"YouTube ...什么的."
For those of you that can't read Chinese, that means "YouTube...and so on." Let's be honest, not exactly a professional level translation. Sadly, the hosts were not going to let me off that easy.
"Come on, you can do better. Everybody clap for him!" Oh, how I wanted to push that woman off the stage.
My next effort was not any better.
"YouTube 对一个人的电影又尊重," aka "YouTube has respect for people's movies."
Just to add insult to injury, once the crowd had stopped clapping, the female co-host commented,
"I don't think we have to ask the judges about that one." OK, then I wanted to push her off a cliff.
The fifth video continued the trend of domination by tall guy on the left, and normally, that would have been the end of it. Unfortunately, the round before had actually eliminated three people, instead of the normal two, so there was an extra spot in the next round...oh, joy.
That meant the female contestant and I would be competing for another round. Cue the dramatic music. Really though, it didn't much matter, as I had already decided that nothing on Earth could make me hit that button. So they played the sixth clip, more Chinese news, and what do you know, she doesn't hit her button. It's probably worth mentioning that this is the same girl that went on stage and recited instructions on changing a flat tire, so I am not sure why I was expecting a strong showing. Eventually, after much violent gesturing of my head towards her buzzer (I think the hosts thought I was having a seizure), she finally hit it. Sadly, she wasted her last chance, so neither of us made it to the last round.
The hosts did the requisite, "That means challenger number four and contestant number nine are eliminated." I have never thought I would been so happy to be "eliminated." I proceeded to walk/run/scramble off the stage as they played the dramatic music and joined the civilians in the crowd.
I spent the next few hours watching the remaining competitors go through the next two rounds (challenger five actually succeeded in reaching round three, but, frankly, she was a jerk, so I wasn't exactly proud). I cannot describe the relief of being done. At that point, my chances for embarrassment were pretty low, so I just enjoyed talking to other participants and pretty girls in the crowd.
I ended up meeting some great people, and recently had lunch with a graduate student that I met there. We met at his university and we spoke for almost four hours, he in English, and me in Chinese, so everybody won!
The only amusing thing that took place during the remainder of my time was when they asked everybody in the crowd to gather in one section of the audience area. This was made possible by the fact that the "crowd" was only about 50 people, so they decided to gather them together and film some stock footage for the broadcast. I decided to join them, therefore I am both a competitor and a member of the studio audience. I am just hoping that some eagle-eyed viewer catches my joke, and realizes the whole thing was a farce.
At the closing ceremony they brought on the stage and presented us with the a small certificate of honor (Though it actually reads "Certificate Honor". Not a big deal, except it was presented by the Shanghai Association of Interpreters, so they aught to know better...).
I look back at it now and I am very glad I participated. Overall, it was a once in a lifetime experience, mostly because I will NEVER do the again, or at least until I have studied Chinese for another ten years or so!
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